you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
