I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
