she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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