Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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