Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
