Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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