do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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