Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
