Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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