Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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