Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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