If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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