my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
