im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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