I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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