Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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