I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
