It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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