M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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