i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
