I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
the liver wants what the liver wants
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
