I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You are a genius and a whore.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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