Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
