ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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