My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Still dying that you shit outside
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
