i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
