im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
