somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
