I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
