Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
