I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
