fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
