ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
