Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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