I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just wanna soil my oats bro
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
