my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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