K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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