I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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