Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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