I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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