So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
