went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
