the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
