We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
