I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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