new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
