How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
