Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
