just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
