I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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